The Flowers
Image source: Saifullah Hafeel

The Flowers

In 2018, I wrote a few comedy shorts to beef up my portfolio. This is a weird little short about a dinner party where everyone has a bizarre secret.

EXT. HOUSE - NIGHT

A young couple, MIKE and STACY, walk up the front steps of a suburban house. They're dressed for a fancy dinner party.

STACY

I hope your friends like me!

MIKE

They’ll be your biggest fans! Just remember what we talked about and everything will be fine.

STACY

I'll count to ten, I promise.

MIKE

Atta girl. Showtime?

She pecks him on the lips, then knocks on the door.

The door opens and another young couple - PETE and MOLLY - greets them effusively, ushering them inside.

INT. HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Mike and Stacy look appreciatively at the room.

STACY

Such a beautiful home!

PETE

If you like this dump, you should see our summer home!

STACY

Summer home?

MOLLY

He's kidding, we don’t have a summer home. Brighton Meadows belongs to my parents.

Stacy takes particular interest in a VASE OF FLOWERS.

STACY

These flowers look amazing.

Stacy shoves her face into the flowers and breathes deep, as if she might inhale the vase whole.

MOLLY

Five dollars at Trader Joe's!

Stacy still has her face in the flowers. Mike walks briskly over to her and gently but firmly pulls her away.

MIKE

What does a guy have to do to get a drink in this place?

PETE

Margaritas, coming right up. Rocks with salt?

STACY

Make mine a double.

PETE

You got it.

Pete and Mike go into the kitchen. Molly turns to Stacy.

MOLLY

So! What have you been up to?

STACY

Oh, you know... working?

Stacy keeps looking at the flowers and then looking away.

STACY (CONT'D)

We’ve got this new client and... he’s a real... piece of work so I end up having to, um babysit him and... where are those drinks?

MOLLY

I read the most amazing book recently. It’s called... something something Wife? Or maybe Daughter? It’s historical fiction, but with this totally tragic romance. It’s over here somewhere...

As soon as Molly turns her back, Stacy snatches a flower from the vase and SHOVES IT INTO HER MOUTH, stem and all.

Molly grabs a book and turns back, triumphant.

MOLLY (CONT’D)

Found it! The Shopkeeper’s Mistress. I was close. I mean, I think this is the one I read.

Stacy smiles and nods as she swallows the flower.

Mike and Pete return with the drinks.

PETE

Hey, Molls, I was just telling Mike about that weird guy at your office.

MOLLY

He’s not weird. We’re friends.

PETE

He thinks he’s her “work husband”.

MOLLY

It’s not like that. You spend a lot of time at the office, it’s nice to have somebody to talk to, you know? That reminds me, did you see that new movie where Jim Carrey plays a therapist? It was really gory.

PETE

I finally met him at their office Christmas party.

STACY

Jim Carrey?

PETE

No, Colin. Turns out he's this sweaty little dweeb, spends the whole night staring at us. He’s got a crush on you, babe.

MOLLY

Why don’t we sit down and have some food? I made nibbles.

MIKE

Sounds great, I’m starving. How about you, Stace?

STACY

I could eat.

She stares at the flowers.

PETE

You guys are gonna love the recipes we found.

They head into the dining room, but Stacy hangs back.

STACY

(Under her breath)

One... two... three...

She growls with frustration and grabs the rest of the flowers from the vase, shoving them all into her mouth at once.

She bites off the heads and chews, eyes closed and ecstatic.

MIKE (O.S.)

Come on, slowpoke!

STACY

(Mouth full)

Coming!

She looks for a place to hide the stems, then decides to shove them into the back of a couch.

She swallows her mouthful with a gulp and heads into the dining room.

INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT

All four sit around a table covered with appetizer-sized bites of food.

MOLLY

These over here are ramen-bun sliders!

PETE

You need to try the grilled avocado tacos.

MOLLY

Stace, I love that perfume you’re wearing. What is that?

STACY

Oh, I’m not wearing anything. Maybe it’s my shampoo?

MOLLY

It’s a little floral, but not overwhelming.

Mike raises an eyebrow and looks pointedly at Stacy.

MIKE

That’s just her. She always smells like flowers.

Just then, the DOORBELL RINGS.

MOLLY

Are we expecting a package?

PETE

I’ll go see who it is.

He gets up and leaves the room and there is a lull.

MOLLY

So... the best part about that Mistress book I was telling you about is that it’s the first one in a series, so if you like that one, there are like a dozen more. Also the sex is really super hot.

Pete returns carrying TWO GIANT FLOWER ARRANGEMENTS.

PETE

What the hell is this?

He slams them down on the table and plucks the card from one.

PETE (CONT’D)

“I love you, leave him and we’ll be together forever,” signed Colin! You wanna tell me something?

MOLLY

It must be some kind of joke! Colin has a really dark sense of humor!

Unnoticed in the hubbub, Stacy is desperately clutching Mike’s arm and staring at the flowers with huge, hungry eyes.

MIKE

Hey, I think it’s time for us to call it a night. We’ll talk to–

Stacy interrupts him by LEAPING onto the table and tearing apart the flowers with her teeth while growling.

Pete and Molly, so dumbfounded by this spectacle, stop their argument mid-sentence.

Stacy is really getting into it now, rolling around on the table in piles of shredded flowers and hipster food.

MIKE (CONT’D)

Don’t worry, hon, I’ve got you!

He starts patting his pockets absentmindedly.

MOLLY

You’re never going to get that sauce out of your dress, dear.

Mike pulls a medical applicator like an EpiPen out of his pocket. He stabs Stacy in the neck with it.

Stacy stops thrashing around and passes out in seconds.

MIKE

Sorry about that. She has this thing about flowers.

PETE

We’ve all got vices. Sometimes I key stranger’s cars for no reason.

MOLLY

I lick everything.

MIKE

Yeah, I mean, I pray at a shrine to Chris Hemsworth every night. Some day he will be mine...

A long pause.

MIKE (CONT’D)

Anyways... want to try again next week?

PETE

We’ll be out of town, but next month would probably work.

MIKE

Sounds good. Mind helping me carry her out to the car?

Mike and Pete lift Stacy off the table and put her arms over their shoulders to carry her.

Before they leave, Pete turns back to Molly.

PETE

Later, when we have sex, I’m going to think about punching that asshole Colin in the face.

MOLLY

It’s a date.

She blows him a kiss and they leave with Stacy.

Molly immediately starts licking everything on the table.